| why... |
[Jan. 11th, 2004|09:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | liz phair-why can't I | ] |
Isn't this the best part of breaking up? finding someone else you can't get enough of...
I was thinking today a lot about Mark. I know this is going to sound strange, so bare with me here. Mark came to the bowling ally last night while we were bowling. And I tried really hard to have a conversation with him, and to get him to see me as a normal person again, but it just didn't happen. I didn't realize how good of a friend he was until that moment, because I realized I had lost a really big piece of what guides me. Ugh. Why do I mess everything up!? |
|
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| Goodbye, good goody girl... |
[Jan. 11th, 2004|05:11 pm] |
I'm watching Autumn in New York. One of these days I'll have that, autumn in New York, in my own place, one of those nice little houses, that are all connected, but beautiful none the less. I want my own nice little house. Either in New York or London. Or France. Whichever one. Whatever doesn't involve being here.
I'm going to start a new journal... because I don't like my journal user name anymore. So... Everyone, friend outof_sympathy. |
|
|
| what a day, what a day |
[Jan. 10th, 2004|12:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dashboard confessional-jaime | ] |
Last night was... very un-eventful.
Courtney and Pat are going on this HUGE date tonight, and she had to go get an outfit. He's taking her to a business dinner, which is a big thing for her. For anyone, really. So we went shopping, and I didn't get back until 8-ish...
Then my mom, my gramma, and I sat in here and watched Joan of Arcadia, which isn't a bad series, except for I know I'll never be home to watch it, so I'm trying not to get hooked on it.
I don't really have plans for today. I'm planning on lounging, watching some tv... painting, and... I think that's about it. Oh, I was invited to go Cosmic Bowling with Nick, Matt, Mark, Drew, and Christian. I'd be the only girl, but they're just the guys, they take care of me.
Erica was supposed to come over this weekend, and she said last night that she was sick, and she has been away all morning on the net. Hm.
I need to go paint, let out some frustration. Some depression, some everything. |
|
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| love is all you need... or is it? |
[Jan. 9th, 2004|03:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | taking back sunday-the blue channel | ] |
I read in yesterday's newspaper a story about the father of a girl that I go to school with. His story is amazing. He's so incredibly lucky, she's lucky, her whole family is lucky. I am not that lucky. My family is so broken... I want to have the same outlook as he did for his children, have the same good-natured rules... I hope to have what they all do someday, but me in a different position. Some people say they want their families back, I just want a family.
Kaylee and Michael are smittin. Maggie and Sean are great. Erica and John are good, I think. Courtney and Pat are great, and I'm just out there. Just here. Myself. Alone, and sad. Sad, and alone. Those feelings should NOT go hand in hand. No feelings should. But oh no, those two do, and I am both of them.
I have so much on my plate right now. I'm starting to prepare for art show. My teaching has turned into me working and letting the class watch how it develops... Art Show is in 15 weeks. I have a newspaper story that I need to get done ASAP. I need to get crackin' on French Club shirts. I need to get NAHS projects... I need to do so much. I need a life. Free time. Time to smile naturally, instead of mechanically smile. I need to be me. but it's SO hard.
I need to meet new people.
I need new shirts.
I need more shoes that fit.
I need canvas.
I need someone to discover.
I need everything right now.
and I'm sorry if I seem bitchy, I'm just depressed...
This is what living like this does. |
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| piercings I'd like to have... |
[Jan. 8th, 2004|05:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jeff buckley-last goodbye | ] |
I have decided that since I can now get piercings and not worry about having my boyfriend be all ew, no, don't do that, I'm going to get at least three more. I'm inserting pictures and description courtesy of www.piercing.com.
I want that piercing, the one with the arrow. I've been planning on that for a long time, all I need to do is suck it up and get it. Right ear. on the top. I want an industrial on the left ear on the top. I want my right tragus pierced. I want two more lobe holes. I want my nose pierced. That's it. Maybe not so much ear piercing, but I want it.
My mom forgot to pick me up, again. I stayed at school for what seemed like a few extra hours, and then just decided to call Ben. He came and picked me up and took me and megan home. He's such a good guy. He needs a girlfriend. He would pamper her like no one that I know. I should work on that... |
|
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| Oh happy day.... |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|10:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | trapt-echo | ] |
Just keep me from singing.
Today was amazing.
I am now the proud new owner of purple chuck taylors, which are wonderful. It was time for new shoes. I had to get rid of my black ones... Which left me with blue ones and brown corduroy's... and now, purple.
I saw a magazine today with Orli on the cover, and usually I don't go insane, but he was damn sexy. Amazingly sexy. SO, I bought it. And much to my surprise and joy, it also featured a certain Mr. Mraz. SO, now I'm a happy panda.
Hopefully once I start working, I'll save my money so I can buy the rest of the chuck taylor line that foot locker has... green, navy+baby blue, black+green, black+pink, pink, purple+gold, red, red+royal blue, royal blue, baby blue, gray, green... and more. That shouldn't be but a few paychecks if I blow them all on shoes... Maybe someday...
I need to go to sleep. I have to go make fondue tomorrow. damnit. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|04:24 pm] |
PAST.
-first grade teacher's name: Mrs. Meade... I went to church with her
-last words you said: Talking to Erica, "Don't kill yourself."
-last song you sang: Dada-Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
-last thing you laughed at- Erica being dumb
-last time you cried: Day before yesterday...
PRESENT.
-what's in your cd player: Dada-Puzzle
-what color socks are you wearing: gray and black
-what's under your bed: blankets, greeting cards, and... my cat
-what time did you wake up today: 5:30
.FUTURE.
-what is your career going to be: Artist or Doctor
-where are you going to live: Arizona, New York, Georgia, France, or England
-how many kids do you want: four. two or four.
-what kind of car will you drive: Um... Maybe a Jeep, hopefully a Mustang or Corvette
.CURRENT.
-current hair: straight, down
-current clothes: light blue jeans, fun socks, whit shirt under a red soccer jersey, and a hoodie over that
-current jewelry: black belt, ruby ring on one finger
-current annoyance: Tiredism
-current smell: key lime pie candles
-current longing: someone... and sleep
-current desktop picture: Jason mraz lyrics on a building...
-current favorite music artist: the beatles, as always
-current book: none, for the first time in a long time.
-current worry: ha. everything.
-current hate: lots of things.
-story behind your username: two of my favorite bands... the ramones and the sex pistols
-current favorite article of clothing: my belt and hat collection, along with my beatles shirt
-favorite physical feature on a guy: eyes
-one person you wish was here right now: not going there.
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: cya
-i am happiest when: i am with someone...
-i feel lonely when: i think
-do you think too much: yes. overly.
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: London, Australia, or France
-famous person you have met: More than I can name... most recently? Oh... Hm... I don't know... Recently... would be... Robert Carmine
-do you have any regrets: yes i do.
-favorite coffee: Starbucks
-favorite smell: key lime pie
-what makes you mad: people who don't take care of themselves physically, and people who don't use their own common sense.
-favorite way to waste time: read. watch tv. sleep.
-what is your best quality: My personality, i hope
-are you currently in love/lust: painfully yes
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: Oh who the hell knows. I'm not a risk taker. I suppose I'd have to say crowd surfing... but it isn't crazy.
-any bad habits: sure
-do you find it hard to trust people: depends on who with what
-last thing you bought yourself: lunch
-bath or shower: depends
-favorite season: fall
-favorite color: blue
-favorite time of day: 5:30 in the summer
-gold or silver: SILVER
-any secret crushes: maybe
.FASHION.
-how many coats and jackets do you own: 3
-do you wear a watch: never
-favorite pants color: blue and brown
-most expensive item of clothing: My 90 dollar shoes.
-most treasured: my beatles shirts.
.YOUR FRIENDS.
-do your friends know you: Yes.
-what do they tend to be like: fun
-can you count on them: yes
-can they count on you: i hope so
.LAST.
-last book you read: Night, by Elie Wiesel
-last movie you saw: Um. The missing
-last movie you saw on the big screen: ditto
-last show you watched on tv:: Um... Deep Blue Sea, last night
-last song you heard: dada, dim
-last thing you had to drink: Jones soda, green apple
-last thing you ate: breadsticks and cheese-last time you showered: this morning
-last person you hugged: Livvy
-last person you talked to online: kaylee
-last person you talked to on the phone: Erica
.DO YOU.
-do drugs: just caffeine-drink: occasionally
-sleep with stuffed animals: yeah...
-have a dream that keeps coming back: every night
-play an instrument? guitar...
-read the newspaper: just the arts and entertainment section
-have any gay or lesbian friends: a few
-believe in miracles: yep
-consider yourself tolerant: depends
-consider police a friend or foe:depends
-like the taste of alchohol: what flavor
-have a favorite stooge: Moe. Because I like his name.
-believe in astrology: yes
-believe in magic: in a young girls heart?
-pray: yes
-go to church: not in a while
-have any secrets: why yes, yes I do.
-have any pets: two dogs and a cat
-go or plan to attened college: plan to
-talk to strangers: Safe looking ones...
-have any piercings: Ears, and navel. Want nose, and an industrial, and three more regular holes.
-have any tattoos: want to
-hate yourself: Just what I do to me.
-wish on stars: yes. all the time.
-like your handwriting: nope
-believe in witches: modern day craft, yes
-believe in ghosts: yes. big fat yes.
-believe in santa: no
-believe in the easter bunny: not at all
-believe in the tooth fairy: nope
-have a second family: yes, two
-sing in the shower: sometimes |
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| I need new shoes. |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|03:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dada-dizz knee land | ] |
My Nike's don't fit me any more. It's really sad. Neither pair fit, and that greatly reduces the amount of things I can wear. Plus, half of my clothes don't fit either, and my mom didn't give me all my money to go shopping with either. So now, not only do I have to buy clothes, but I also have to buy shoes. I found the shoes I want though, and they're like fifty dollars. they're on sale, too. So yeah. I would really like to have those shoes, if I can swing it. I also need a lot of tshirts. A lot of them. My shirt supply has suddenly gone awol, and I'm like, um. Okay. So now what. Hopefully I can just go shopping tonight. Hopefully.
This weekend... That's what I'm hoping to make it to. I hope I get to the weekend. It's time for a break from school. Just for the weekend so I can recooperate.
Friday=Newspaper meeting, and Super Bowl meeting.
Tomorrow=French Club meeting.
Tonight, I'll be sitting at home making different kinds of fondue. Doesn't that sound appealing? Fondue party at my house!
I was listening to a song today about someone who gave someone roses. I wish someone would give me roses. I've never gotten roses before...
Birthday countdown: 2 months 2 days. Woo hoo. I hope my friends remember... I hope my family remembers. haha. they probably will. I just always worry about them forgetting.
For my birthday, I'm having a Henna artist come in and do me and my friends. I want mine completely up my arm. Like, all the way around my hand and up my arm, to a cuff or something.
I don't want to be lonely on Valentine's day. That would be horrible.
Work countdown: 53 days. So that means I have to have all the fun I can now. Even though I'm sure that working there will be fun, too. I'm going to apply at lots of places though, just in case someone more experienced applies at Potter's PaintShop.
So now I think I'm going to go sip on a Jones Soda, Green Apple, and read my newest magazines... |
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| dee! |
[Jan. 6th, 2004|06:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dada-moon | ] |
So... Today was okay, I got a ton of Geometry homework. Last night's set I did wrong. I missed like 10 problems, because I missed a whole section that he assigned. I was really very angry. Anyways... Oh, yesterday was okay too, just the basic first day of school stuff. I have no good classes. I have no friends in any classes, besides for painting. Everyone's in painting, really, so that's good. But geometry really sucks. I don't think I'll have a hard time understanding, I hope not at least. Everything else is easy. I have all these horribly immature people in Health with me, who don't pay attention or anything. That pisses me off, when I'm surrounded by idiots. Complete idiots.
Yesterday after school Ben came over so I could give him his present. I hung it up in his car for him because he didn't know where to put it. We went and picked up Sean and went to Starbucks... I had peppermint hot chocolate, and a peppermint brownie, of course. Ben got some iced coffee drink, which I hated, and Sean just got black coffee. Black coffee makes Sean crazy. Something in it... Well really, nothing it in, but something. Ben's really starting to drive like Mark. Matt called us on the way back, and was like, my car died. so we had to go try and jump him. so we had to do a huge U-Turn in the middle on the intersection, during rush our, and were then facing the opposite direction on an on-ramp for the interstate, trying to jump Matt's car. His car is really dead. Ben's dad towed it back to Nick's, I think I saw it sitting outside his house today. Anyways... Yeah Sean was a little freaked out by him, I think. I was really freaked out by how Ben was driving. I had hot tea, with raspberry syrup, and I spilled it like ten times. Wearing a white coat. I'm amazed that none of it got on my coat. Amazed.
Bonnie, Sean and I went out to get job applications today. I found a CD for my mom at this used CD store that she's been looking for for about five years now. I had to buy it for her. Bonnie and I filled out applications for the Potter's PaintShop on the spot, and the guy kinda questioned us a little bit. He basically said that we'll be needed in March to start training, because the two girls that work for them are going away to college, and he wants extra people for Mother's Day. I think that's great, because I wanted at art related job. Bonnie and I have TONS of art experience, and I think if he needs to, I'll even show him a portfolio of my work, if he really wants. Aside from there, I grabbed an application to B. Dalton Books, Lady Foot Locker, Claire's, and... Michael's. Last night I got Hobby Lobby and Steak N' Shake. I can't turn any of those in until after my birthday though, which is in 2 months and 3 days. I went to Shoe Carnival, and Drew was there, and he was all like, come here, let me ask you a question, and I'm like oh no, here it comes... and he's like, So... I heard you and Kurt broke up. I'm like.. yeah... I wonder what's going through his head.
Teaching is nice. I like it. Althought right now we're not teaching much. We're really just trying to get to know everyone. Me, especially. Callan has had these kids before, I haven't. So I am really trying to put forth a lot of effort to get to know these kids. I care about them and their learning, I really do. As for now, I spent today calling around and checking on supplies that are in stock, and ordering glazes... Passing out things, getting to know names, talking to kids, etc. The only part about this that I don't like is walking across the street all the freaking time.
We got a new blender today, and I really want to make smoothies, so I'm off to make banana and honey smoothies. bye kids. |
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| I think it's good we try this before we give up and move on |
[Jan. 5th, 2004|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Beatles-I'm So Tired | ] |
Kurt just called, we've been on the phone for two hours. He said, I like this, because if I were there now, I'd lie on the floor next to your bed and talk to you all night long. But when we're together, I don't want that. I've always wanted that. I've always wanted him to be open with me. I brought the fact up today that if other people knew half of the stuff about him that I know, they probably wouldn't understand like I do. And he was kind of shocked that I actually said it, but it's completely true...
I'm thinking about asking my mom tomorrow about me going to live with my aunt or my uncle for a little while. To make things easier on everyone here, and on me, so that I can discover more of who I am. My uncle is in the Air Force, and he lives in North Carolina, by himself. He's not married, and he just came back from spending a year in Saudi Arabia. We haven't really seen him. He used to be like my best friend. I spent every minute with him until I was in the sixth grade. And then, he left. He moved to North Carolina, and I hardly ever see him. He needs to be taken care of in the same way I do. He needs someone who will understand and help him rebuild himself, and I need someone who will help me see who I am and help me get to where I want to be in life. He understands me. My aunt on the other hand lives in Arizona. She recently lost her husband and her father, both to cancer, in a 4 month span. We've both been hurt, and we could use eachother to get better. She's so great. I usually go there for spring break, but I didn't last year and I'm not this year, so I feel like we're really growing apart. It's just her and her dog, and I really don't want to intrude on anyone, I just need to get out for a little while. Call it running away, whatever you'd like. I need time to be me. She understands me, too. Unlike my mother. Right now we're going through the, "I want to help you by making you do things that don't apply to you at all," stage. She wants me to go to the open auditions for The King and I, and she wants me to do something else, and she doesn't want me to teach at the middle school because I won't get the credit for it. Well, I'll get something more valuable than that. I'll get the gratification. I'll gain maturity from the experience. I'll learn to be myself, and learn what I want in life. That's what I want. I want to teach. I've always wanted to teach. But I guess that's just not acceptable to her or my grandparents or anyone else. It's just a disgrace to them to see me want to be an art teacher, who probably won't make much, and sure as hell doesn't want to stick around in Indiana.
I'm so tired, but I cannot sleep a wink. I've tried. I've got thoughts rushing through my head, and I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to go open my locker and take down all the pictures of me and Kurt together, and have everyone asking how we are doing, and how great my break was. I'll give them everything that I've got, a little piece of my mind, but I don't want to tell everyone. I don't want hords of stupid, immature, unattractive men clamoring over me or something tomorrow. I want to be left alone. I want to do what I do best, I want to wrap myself up in learning and being me and just forget for a little while. But I can't forget. I'll never forget. I want to go to Interlochen. If I had the forty thousand dollars just lying around I'd tell my mother I need to go audition today. But I don't. I decided that tomorrow when I go back to school the first thing that I'm going to do is ask Mrs. Brooks for help with scholarships and finding the school that's right for me. I would ask my counselor, but she doesn't know me... I don't know. I'm so damn tired. I need sleep... |
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| everything today is thoroughly modern |
[Jan. 4th, 2004|09:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blink182-lemings | ] |
Hanna just reminded me that Blink182 has a song called lemings. I miss lemings.
Everything today is thoroughly modern, and that's exactly what I want to try and impose upon myself in my next work of art. I want to make a masterpiece.
Kristin and Hanna invited me to be a Tap Sister. It's top-secret. Don't ask. Not for your young ears.
I need something painful right now, as crazy as that sounds. Ear piercings. I want an industrial. And I want my nose pierced. And... I wouldn't mind having my labret pierced... but I don't want that. My nose would be fine. I want an industrial on my left ear, don't ask why the left one, that's just where I want it.
"i think in a past life i was a stereo... you kno the things with the cds players? and, and i think i, i could have been a sony"
My new favorite Foamy episode.
www.explodingdog.com
www.illwillpress.com
two websites of the moment. I need to get my spring break list down. I just asked Stephanie if she wanted to go... But she wants to know who else and everything. I don't know what's going to go on with that. We'll see. I'm putting homework off. Still. I really should go do it. |
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| second time... |
[Jan. 4th, 2004|01:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | copeland-priceless | ] |
Current date & time: it's listed?
Current age: 15
Current height: 5'9"
Current weight: 134 pounds
Current eye color: dark brown
Current hair color: dark brown
Current shoe size: 11
Current pant size: 9
Current shirt size: small to medium, oddly
Current location: living room... Greenfield, IN
Current job description: Lookin for an art job
Current piercings: ears, navel
Current tattoos: none
Current shirt: white with blue stripes
Current pants: jeans
Current socks: none
Current shoes: none
Current underwear: clouds with little sequins
Current accessories: two rings, two earrings, cross, and navel ring
Current desktop picture: Robert Downey Jr. Don't ask.
Current CD in player: Let It Be: Naked
Current program on television: Say Anything...
Current favorite person: Can't say...
Current favorite food: I haven't eaten in a long time. I'm really dizzy, I bet that's why...
Current favorite beverages: dr pepper, orange juice, sprite
Current favorite candy: skittles and caramel creams
Current favorite book: Lennon Legend
Current favorite bands/artists: TBS, The Beatles, The Early November
Current favorite smell: key lime pie candles
Current favorite taste: chinese food. cultured food. anything food.
Current favorite movie: say anything...
Current favorite song: "Priceless"-Copeland
Current favorite animal: orca
Current favorite season: fall
Current favorite holiday: Christmas
Current favorite color: blue
Current mood: crushed... scared. sad.
Current annoyance: Me
Current worry: Kurt...
Current crush: I don't have a crush, I've been crushed.
Current thing you ought to be doing: Studying for Wednesday, finishing a drawing
Current wish: I wish it was July again, before Kurt left... |
|
|
| stolen quiz |
[Jan. 4th, 2004|01:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blink182-roller coaster | ] |
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Car surfing
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I never keep em, but I try and make em
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My mom gave birth to a baby girl in the last month of 2002? but that doesn't count
4. Did anyone close to you die? My uncle
5. What countries did you visit? Hmm... None
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? A car and my license.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My birthday. because I got the best present anyone could give me.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Overcoming my fears, and Herron class
9. What was your biggest failure? breaking my hand before ceramics was over
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? broke my hand, got the flu
11. What was the best thing you bought? Well, Kurt got me the coolest Gary ever
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Nick
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Courtney
14. Where did most of your money go? Art supplies, Herron, School, Clothes
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Herron, Kurt coming home...
16. What songs will always remind you of 2003? that Hero song, and Perfect by Simple Plan
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? I matured a lot, but I'm a lot sadder. Less happy.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? been alive
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? cried
20. How will you be spending Christmas? This christmas, hopefully the same thing I've been doing the last two years...
22. Did you fall in love in 2003? I did in 2002
23. How many one night stands? none
24. What were your favourite TV programmes? TLC shows.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Not really
26. What was the best book you ever read this year? Night by Elie Wisel
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Copeland
28. What did you want and get? A record player
29. What did you want and not get? a car
30. What was your favourite film of this year? Love Actually
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Kurt got me a cell phone, so early that morning he called it, and woke me up, and brought me breakfast in bed.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not losing touch with Erica
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? Comfortable, Cheap, colorful
34. What kept you sane? Kurt
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney. Because they are still the strongest men because of all they have been through and I applaud them greatly just as I have in the past for their endeavors.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? i hate politics
37. Who did you miss? Kurt and Kenny
38. Who was the best new person you met? Robert Carmine
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003. Follow your heart, you'll end up home.
Kurt and I are kind of on hiatus. We're postponing things, so that each of us can see how much we really need the other, so we don't take anything for granted. This is mostly for him. He takes everything for granted because it's been so long, and we just need to learn what it's like to not have those things. To see how much we need eachother. I need someone who believes in me, because I have a hard time believing in myself. I need him to be there for me. This break is only for a few days, just to see how things go. We're not seeing anyone else, or dating or anything. We're just trying to make ourselves stronger. We will. I hope we will. The only part that hurt was him telling me to try not to cry when he didn't say I love you before he got of the phone, that he was only going to say goodbye... |
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| everything's gonna be alright now... |
[Jan. 3rd, 2004|12:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cranium theme song on TV | ] |
yeah everything has been worked out, just to let everyone know. i'm not wanting to go into detail, but it's fine... it's good again between us.
Hmm... Last night was much fun. I think I already posted that, though. I stayed up sending text messages forever though, which i probably shouldn't have done because it runs down my minutes, but oh well. whatever. I was asleep on the couch at about 1:00 or so, I think, I was asleep, ya know, and I got a message from paul. the phone was in my back pocket and it started vibrating and i freaked out. It was scary. Scary times when your ass starts to vibrate while your asleep.
I picked up some user icons for a friend who is going to love me forever for them. she'll be like, oh my god. wow. yeah. so I'm happy. I just wonder why she's not online just yet....
I'm wondering why I haven't seen my Erica in so long. December 14. That was the last day I saw her, and I'm wondering why. best friends don't go that long without seeing eachother. It's just not fair.
Um, for now, I'm going to get ready for the day. I've been up and to Panera already, mmm... Pumpkin Muffie... I think I'm going to the mall with Kristin today, she's supposed to call me later.... Yes. so I'm going now. |
|
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| Under the moonlight... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2004|11:59 pm] |
So, I went to Jenni's house to watch a movie, and we picked Nick up along the way. Not one of us has had a lot of sleep, and we're all pretty loopy.
best moments
Jenni's sobriety check in my driveway
Nick sticking his head out the sunroof and losing his bandanna
booty talk
funny names
watching dvd's on jenni's laptop
purple satin pillows
cat tricks
sleepy nick |
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| Dear God |
[Jan. 2nd, 2004|09:48 am] |
I feel like I need to write a "Dear God" letter, too. I just want to ask a few things of you, hopefully not too much. Please keep a good watch over my friend's family who recently lost her Grandfather. She can be strong, she just needs to know that someone's there with her. Secondly, please walk beside me right now. Carry me, even. I know that I'm young, and there are things that I don't know, but I want to learn them. I need so badly to understand why certain things are happening to me right now. I couldn't sleep last night, my dreams were broken, and I kept waking up. I need strength to put together the pieces again. I feel like everything's my fault, and I need to know why. I want to know why you sent him into my life at just the right time, and are taking him from me when I need strength the most. I want to know why about a lot of things, but these will do for now. I just want to be strong and understanding. Please help if you can...
Chelsie |
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| face your childish fears |
[Jan. 2nd, 2004|09:34 am] |
yesterday and today have to be the hardest two days in my entire life. When I left the party the other day kurt asked me to trust him, and I did. It took a lot for me to put all my trust in him at that moment, and I did. And then, he lied to me about everything. He lied about where he stayed the night, he didn't stay at Nick's, he stayed at another girl's house. He lied about kissing her, he lied about everything. He didn't pick up his cell phone because he was with them, and he lied to me about that, too. And then I had to find out from someone's journal. Someone's hurtful, piece of shit journal just like I'm sure this one is to someone else. someone, out there.
We talked last night... I don't want to take a break. I don't want to lose the biggest part of me and the biggest piece of my heart. Everything that's here has a memory with it. Everything. He's family to my family, and he's everything to me, and I feel so betrayed. I don't know how much I can trust him any more, but I hope it's a lot. If he decides we need to take a break then I'm going to move to Arizona and live with my aunt for a while. To get away from the memories is going to be really hard. Everything that's a memory is going to haunt me every time I look at it. If we take a break, then I know it's really the end. I can't handle spending the next month and a half wondering who he's with and wishing that it was me instead, or wondering if he misses me. I don't want to spend my time comparing other people to him, and hurting someone in the long run because I'm scared to give that much of me to someone else. I wear a promise ring on my finger for a reason, and I thought it meant something to both of us. I don't want to let go, I don't want to lose the biggest part of my life. I don't want to once again become the person I was a year and a half ago, the person who can't believe in herself or get away from her past. I don't want this to become the past. We've always talked about it being our future, but I don't know how either of us feels after yesterday.
And I feel so much that this is my fault. What could she give him that I can't? What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see it before? Why'd I give up so much of myself... |
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| my year in whole... |
[Jan. 1st, 2004|01:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | trapt-stories | ] |
January-Started out nicely, except Kurt was on the phone with his mom at midnight. First month of the new year with my little sister.
February-Okay I guess, aside from my horrible Valentine's day.
March-My birthday which is the same as our six month anniversary, that was a great day. End of March went on Spring Break with Kurt to New Orleans. Awesome month.
April-Started out on Spring Break. At show was in April. I loved that month as well...
May-School ended, thank God. Though, it was really sad, because I knew I'd never be with Kurt at school again, and I don't like to be alone. So now I walk the hallways alone, which is quite sad...
June-Kurt graduated on the first, and don't ya know, we got in an argument that morning. But it was all right after that. Warped tour, yeah. That was a great month after the first of it, I think.
July-Kurt left for bootcamp... We had a nice last night before he left, though.
August-school started, got my mind off of a lot of things... started to get closer to Mark as a friend, which went wrong in the upcoming month.
September-My one year anniversary which I celebrated alone... Started school at Herron. Went to XFest. Got poison ivy all over my face. My uncle died...
October-Went to see Kurt on the first. Only got to spend a few hours with him... Erica's birthday, other things I'm sure... Halloween... Mark and I parted ways on the 5th.
November-Herron graduation exhibit... Don't really remember much.
December-Kurt came home, everything up to that is nothing. He's home now. He leaves tomorrow, and I have yet to talk to him today... |
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| Happy new years, I guess... |
[Jan. 1st, 2004|01:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | beatles-dig a pony | ] |
So. The night was... okay. Kurt and I drove up to Castleton to get Kristin and Hanna, and then back to Nick's... Nick didn't get there for a while tho ugh so it was kind of boring to start out. Anyways... Just a little while into it, Kurt got mad at me for something and took me down into the basement and just kinda yelled at me. Not bad, but just a little. But it was my fault, I used the wrong choice word, so he yelled at me for it, but I tried to explain. So then things were okay... But when we were dancing there was another small scuffle for something that was completely his fault and completely understandable from my point of view. But then later on, I left the room to go chill, and he came and got me and started yelling at me again. But it was yelling yelling. He kicked Nick's whole box of ornaments and stuff over and broke them, and I thought he broke the ping pong table, but I don't think he did. But all that just caused me to cry, which caused me to get a headache, and oh boy, how fun is that? So Nick got me some medicine... And then I told Kurt I was going to lie down on the couch, so he said he'd be right there and I went and he never came back. Anyways, Dave, Nick's cousin, came in to see if I was feeling any better and I had been covering up with Kurt's coat, because they had the windows open and a fan on because it had gotten so hot in there... And Dave went and got me a blanket and a coke. Kurt came in for the countdown, I got my kiss and midnight, and he left me again and went outside, and only came back to tell me my mom was there to get me a half an hour later. Anyways, when I was saying bye to everyone, I said thanks for taking care of me Dave, and he got all pissed off and was just like, I'll see you later. and walked away. So of course I stopped him and was like what's your fucking problem? and he was mad because I said that, so I said, well he did take care of me, he got me a blanket and a coke, it's not that big of a deal, and that was just another well met ordeal. That's not even the half of it... It wasn't a very happy New Years.... |
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| Boring me... |
[Dec. 31st, 2003|10:22 am] |
LiveJournal Slut Score for  ramonepistol |
| Percentage of your friends you've met |
30.43% |
| Percentage of your friends you've kissed |
0.00% |
| Percentage of your friends you've sexed |
0.00% |
| Percentage of your friends you fancy |
0.00% |
| Slut points |
7 |
| (Based on 23 LiveJournal friends) |
| Take the LJ Slut Test by skx comment here. |
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